Life in the Big City

"Well that's life in the big city"......those of you around my age will perhaps remember this oh so clever saying.  This flippant quip was typically stated by your mom while you were longingly gazing at the pair of Guess jeans you knew she couldn't afford.  This is also the generation that said good looking people were "foxes" so perhaps we should disregard most of the lingo...

Life in the big city has taken on a new meaning now that I am a grown up and have kids of my own. With a lot of career turmoil in the last year or so, I have had to remind myself that sometimes it's just "life in the big city" and keep on truckin, keep calm and carry on and all those other bumper stickers or quotes on pinterest.

Deciding to return to an office was a tough decision for this mommy. I have had to ditch my comfy yoga pants and don my, sadly ill-fitting, fancy pants. And while I never thought I  would enjoy being back at an 8-5 WITH a long commute, I have been pleasantly surprised.

With any new change are some ups and downs....such is the roller coaster of working parenthood. 

UP- Being around people again! It's nice to have co-workers that don't just wag their tail and pant when you ask them a question.  It's so much more helpful!

DOWN- Having to be ON TIME five days a week.  How do people with multiple children do this?? I am guessing by waking up at 3am or being extremelllllllllly organized. To those that have accomplished this, I bow to you.

UP- Working for the man has it's perks....free bus pass, football tickets, lunches etc. Unfortunately the free food has also contributed to the ill-fitting fancy pants...ugh. Although the free gym will hopefully help that!

DOWN-  Picking up a screaming pre-schooler who refuses to get dressed and threatening to take her to school in her PJ's to be embarrassed by her classmates. Said child finally and reluctantly gets dressed in her regular clothes only to arrive at school to see it is...wait for it....freaking pajama day.

UP- Only having to struggle with a pint sized Mariah Carey diva like 4 year old when the husband is out of town because I can't be bothered with things like hair brushing and breakfast now that I work IN the city and have a BUS to catch.

DOWN- Giving up the school drop off and picking up and not being able to uphold my Joan of Arc martyrdom status as Supermom. With a husband that cooks and cleans it was kind of all I had left to play....damn.

So it's been a bit of a struggle to adjust, for me, my baby girl, husband and my flat iron but we're going to be fine. Anytime I start to feel stressed, the hubs begins belting out "She Works Hard For The Money" by Donna Summer and I am immediately laughing....in between gulps of wine. 

But at the end of the day, working 40 hours in an office beats 60 plus at home any day.  It's very important to fit in as many hours of Barbie and costume changes as possible....after all, I am Supermom. :)

"Why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself?"

I'm sure everyone remembers the "fun" game you used to play with your older sibling or in my case....a 42 year old husband.  The victim sits innocently watching TV or reading when the crazy jokester comes over to take your hand and while smacking you on YOUR head/face with it, taunts you with "Why do you keep hitting yourself, why do you keep hitting yourself"?

It occurred to me today that being a mom is a lot like that super inventive game most likely invented by older brothers. Think about every time you criticize yourself, don't give yourself enough credit and berate yourself over small crap.  You are literally smacking yourself around.  The only thing probably lacking in this daily routine is the maniacal laughing from the hitting yourself opponent.

I have a few examples that I think some may relate to......

"I can't believe I have gained "X" amount of pounds over the last few months, they may as well just slap Hess on my ass and have me haul stuff across country"- SMACK!
      Because going to the gym everyday, working and raising a family is SOOOOO feasible. So you work those drawstring Old Navy shorts sister!

"My kid is going to grow up and resent all of the time I spent working and advancing my career"- WHACK!!
      Right, and I'm sure your kid will totally resent the fact that he didn't get to go to school naked or starve to death when that job bought him stupid crap like food and clothes.

"I suck at everything, I am not doing a good enough job at being a mom or at work"- BAM!
      Child Protective Services will not knock on your door for letting your kid watch one more freaking cartoon.  And the great thing about work (unlike some guys from your single days) it will always be there in the morning.

" I can't remember the last time I wore something sexy or cute for my man"- POW!!
      O.k seriously.....after a 10 hour workday, dinner and putting the kids down he's lucky that you pretend to stay awake.

So ladies, let's stop the silly "keep hitting yourself" game and leave that to your husband that doesn't realize it stopped being funny years ago.
     

And The Oscar Goes To....

Oscar season is over and this post has been floating in my head before that. Unfortunately the annoying things like work keep getting in the way of my list of fun things to do.

As I was thinking about the Oscars, I was wondering what the genres of movies would look like in the life of a mommy.

Action- Racing through a park while your toddler laughs wildly and avoiding your grasp at every turn. You  reach for his t-shirt but he wiggles away faster than than Steven Segal's career.  He climbs up the juggle gym and threatens to jump while you stop gasping as your 30 something heart tries to recoup from the effort. By the time you lunge to grab him, he spins like Jacki Chan and is out of sight once again.

Drama- The tears, the sadness, the devastation....tears are shed, hearts are broken.....or in this case, your child's favorite toy. There is no end to the emotional roller coaster you and your little one are on at this point. You promise her that you will fix it and yes, there is hope in her tear filled eyes. But oh no, you are not able to fix it and you are back on the ride of grief.

Comedy- Almost every day in the life of a parent is comical. Sometimes it is a good Cohen brother movie and other times it's Big Mama. Whether it's a good preschool story that cracks you up or listening to them laugh with abandon, comedy is interjected with every child.  The funniest part of motherhood though has to be the effort we put in to trying to be perfect. It may not be funny now but one day you will look back and laugh at the thought of trying to track down the perfect tutu to take your toddler to a ballet they won't even watch....

Horror- Starting a larger daycare, preschool, kindergarten etc.....there may not be any haunted houses, masked villains or dark woods but there is horror, fear and at times shrieking...usually coming from you.  The boogey man has come in the form of dark, green and almost unidentifiable substance oozing from your child's nose. The cough is more horrifying than Freddy and Jason combined and has made you lose even more sleep. You hear the music from Psycho as you hear yet another call from their room with what you fear is going to require a mop and bucket.

Romantic Comedy- It's Friday night and you are getting ready for your date with the gorgeous man in Marketing from your company....you have been flirting for months while having a lot of silly mishaps along the way.  Ohhh no wait...that's a real romantic comedy. Your romcom involves some pizza and wiping chins. After you finally get the rugrats to bed, your husband gives you "the look" and you mentally calculate how long "it's" been and decide if it's before the news, it's probably a go.

Parenting is definitely not glamorous but it is jam packed with action, comedy, drama and yes, at times horror. At the end of the day, there is no golden man on your mantle.  Instead you are awarded with hugs, laughter and little "I love you's" and you wouldn't have it any other way.

The Mommy Wars- Working Vs .Staying Home and why it all sucks sometimes...

We have all heard the hype, working moms vs. stay at home moms. Is there some truth to this battle? Maybe...I for one think this is a disagreement that is publicized to once again pit women against eachother. Do some working moms look down on stay at home moms because they "don't contribute to the household income"?  Absolutely. Do some stay at home moms judge working moms for "letting daycare raise their kids"?  Definitely.  While being any kind of mom is the best, both staying home and working can suck.....

Stay At Home: While at home with 3 kids, you find herself in the middle of 3 consecutive snow days. The house looks like there was a natural disaster...inside. Whining has become the official language and you have wondered more than once about how much your darlings would fetch on Ebay.  Your husband comes home, looks around in disbelief and asks what you have done all day?!?

At Work: Dashing around in the morning with one heel on while your toddler screams for another Dora and refuses to eat breakfast. Meanwhile your Blackberry is already ringing and the demanding emails have started coming in at 7:00 a.m.  While dropping baby off, she cries and begs you not to "weave" her at "skwool". Sunglasses are promptly placed over welling eyes while you return calls on the way in. You race out of a meeting, which you managed to botch to pick up a kid that doesn't want to go home.

At the end of the day, we all have the same goal...to be the best mom we can. Some women have to work, some choose to and both are fine. Some do everything they can to stay home and go without to do so, and that's fine.  Not trying to be preachy but it's in all of our best interest to keep judgement away and think of the difficulties of both choices.  Because they are choices, not "sides".

Random musings of the overworked mommy brain...

Short post this evening as my goal of writing at least twice a week is becoming almost laughable with life's interruptions.  As my brain becomes overloaded lately, just a few random thoughts I had today.

1.  Smart cars are kind of stupid- not to offend anyone but what is so smart about a car that can't hold more than one grocery bag and looks like a tennis shoe?

2. Karma is a bitch... latest example...while walking into a grocery store today I immediately put my phone to my ear to carry on a fascinating pretend conversation in order to avoid the boy scouts posted at the front door.  No less than 10 minutes later I run into a co-worker while decked out in my best faded yoga pants, over sized Jets t-shirt and flip flops, face devoid of even a hint of makeup. In my defense, I think they were selling coupons or some crap...

3. It's tricky navigating play date etiquette and a little nerve wracking when meeting up with a new playmate's mom.  Luckily I have had some great experiences recently.  You know you have met a friend when she doesn't even flinch when your child decides it's a good idea to don her playmate's clean underwear and then proceeds to have an accident in said underwear . Typically a "please floor swallow me up" kind of moment.

4. It's o.k to have mom envy...envy those with more kids, less kids, a hot husband, in better shape, way better hair or the ability to do it all seamlessly.  These things are all o.k as long as you can look at yourself at the end of the day and know that you are a kickass mom that, with a little hair brushing and some eyeliner and sleep, are a force to be reckoned with. :)

Jeggings and other foes....

Ahhh pregnancy, such a beautiful time.  Your little one growing inside of you, feeling his every kick and prod. The excitement and thrill of his arrival growing with each day that you decorate the nursery and fold little clothes.

Also growing with your beautiful baby....your stomach, your skin, your ass, boobs, thighs, hips....oh the list goes on.

Yes, our bundles of joy are worth every stretch mark, dimple of cellulite and sagging...well everything.  However, I have realized there are some things that will deflate the 30 something mommy ego faster than your toddler can put a lego in their mouth.

Trying on a bikini- When did this become such a dreaded and horrid event?  It doesn't seem that long ago that I bounded into Dillards and grabbed the smallest bikini I could find, skipped happily to the dressing room with thoughts of incredibly tanned skin dancing in my head.  I think most mommies will agree they would rather take their kid to the dentist than try on a bathing suit in a public place. It is an exercise in extreme humility which forces me to thank God for creating the internet and online shopping.  Wait, was that God or Al Gore?  I can never remember....

Watching your skin turn into a roadmap- Laugh lines my ass...they are wrinkles. I don't want my face to be a map of my soul and experience, I want it to be as smooth as a newborn baby's butt.  But gone are the taut and firm days of our 20's.  Sephora gift cards are now used for eye cream and moisturizer instead of the newest eyeshadows. Taking pictures turns into a Barbara Walters interview of soft lighting and perfect positioning. 

Being called ma'am...a lot- Yes it's polite, yes it may be required by your employer but damn it, nothing makes me feel as old as when a 20 something calls me ma'am. Do I look like your Grandma or even your Mom?  And if you say yes, I am going to punch you in the head.....

Jeggings and skinny jeans- Everywhere you go these days, you can't turn around without seeing skinny jeans, leggings or jeggings.  However, as I discovered recently, nothing will kill your ego faster than jumping up and down in a dressing room and sweating profusely while trying to get on a pair of jeggings  Even worse?  Not knowing what jeggings were until said trip.

Turning heads...of 50 year old men- Gone are the days of whistling construction workers.  Even the weird guys in the car next to you take one look at the car seat and quickly look away. Walking into the bar for happy hour with your boyfriend cut jeans and your ballet flats just doesn't get you the same attention your backless shirts used to garner.  Let's face it, someone checking you out that may or may not be your dad's friend isn't really the boost you are looking for.

There is a lot that goes along with being older, wiser and especially having the experience of being a mom.  Even though the Wonder Bra turns into "It's a wonder that I can get my boobs this high after breast feeding" bra and the Miracle Bra turns into the "It will be a miracle for my husband if he sees this in the next three weeks" bra. 

In the end watching our little ones grow into their own is worth the size 4 jeans gathering dust in your closet.
Like Jack Handy says..."If you drop your keys into molten lava, you have to let them go, cuz man....they're gone".

Before and After...

Parenting is defined in the before and after.  How your life was before you had kids and how your life changed after you had them.  What is most amusing on how views change in the after and what you swore you would never do in the before.  Here are some before and after musings....

Before- You are in Target, you hear a child screaming.  You are immediately annoyed as your eyes start searching the store for the red faced little offender. You shake your head in disgust and wonder what is wrong with the parents that "let" their kids act like that in a store. That will NEVER be you.

After- You are in Target, it is your child screaming and writhing on the ground in a record book tantrum over a toy that they HAVE to have.  They deserve it, because clearly they are SO well behaved.  You are desperately trying to keep your face impassive because you know that you are being watched more carefully than the President by the Secret Service.  You calmly but firmly let little Timmy know that you are leaving the store right NOW.  Waiting only until you are in the safety of your car to either dissolve in tears or yell at Timmy.

Before- You have done the research, poured over every childhood development book in the world and you are positive that your darling little angel will NOT be watching television, eating sugar, and of course will never talk back to you because they will know better.

After- Fast forward to year two or so.  You did it, you stuck to your guns.  Little Angel has not watched TV, had any sugar cereal and well, tantrums have been to a minimum. All of a sudden, almost overnight...something changes. You spend every evening after work or all day chasing this crazed demon child.  Their head begins spinning around and you are waiting for the pea soup vomit and the Latin. Your furniture has disappeared under 4 weeks of laundry.  All of a sudden Yo Gabba Gabba and bribe candy starts looking reallllly good.

Before- You are near the end of pregnancy, dreaming of the maternity leave and all of the amazing things you are going to accomplish.  You are going to scrapbook every moment of Junior's life, you are going to learn how to cook exotic meals for your man and you are finally going to clean out all of those closets you have been meaning to get to for the last 4 years.

After- Junior is here and he is beautiful!  You know this because you are blankly staring at his face is a daze for 24 hours a day.  Waiting....watching....gazing. Will he wake up right now?  Will he be hungry?  Will he need his diaper changed? Exotic meals consist of take out and whatever your friends will bring over.  Your sleep deprived mind can't get around to organzing a drawer, let alone a closet.  Finally, as maternity leave wraps up, you realize you should probably get out of your jammies. But on the plus side, you have gotten enough Oprah in to last a full year.

Throughout this blog, there will be a lot of tongue in cheek parenting commentary. Know that I love being a mommy more than I ever thought possible. But  it isn't always a walk in the park, although it is often a trip to the park riddled with "Mommy watch me" uttered no less than 900 times.

Welcome to the funhouse!

In my attempt to maintain sanity and to hopefully relate to other mommies out there, I am creating an outlet. This will not be a personal blog about my kid or my family although I'm sure some of my craziness will spill over because of those things....

This is a place to dispel some of the myths of parenting, to debunk the idea of perfection and to say it's o.k to suck at stuff sometimes. So I hope you enjoy reading as much as I will enjoy writing it.