Jeggings and other foes....

Ahhh pregnancy, such a beautiful time.  Your little one growing inside of you, feeling his every kick and prod. The excitement and thrill of his arrival growing with each day that you decorate the nursery and fold little clothes.

Also growing with your beautiful baby....your stomach, your skin, your ass, boobs, thighs, hips....oh the list goes on.

Yes, our bundles of joy are worth every stretch mark, dimple of cellulite and sagging...well everything.  However, I have realized there are some things that will deflate the 30 something mommy ego faster than your toddler can put a lego in their mouth.

Trying on a bikini- When did this become such a dreaded and horrid event?  It doesn't seem that long ago that I bounded into Dillards and grabbed the smallest bikini I could find, skipped happily to the dressing room with thoughts of incredibly tanned skin dancing in my head.  I think most mommies will agree they would rather take their kid to the dentist than try on a bathing suit in a public place. It is an exercise in extreme humility which forces me to thank God for creating the internet and online shopping.  Wait, was that God or Al Gore?  I can never remember....

Watching your skin turn into a roadmap- Laugh lines my ass...they are wrinkles. I don't want my face to be a map of my soul and experience, I want it to be as smooth as a newborn baby's butt.  But gone are the taut and firm days of our 20's.  Sephora gift cards are now used for eye cream and moisturizer instead of the newest eyeshadows. Taking pictures turns into a Barbara Walters interview of soft lighting and perfect positioning. 

Being called ma'am...a lot- Yes it's polite, yes it may be required by your employer but damn it, nothing makes me feel as old as when a 20 something calls me ma'am. Do I look like your Grandma or even your Mom?  And if you say yes, I am going to punch you in the head.....

Jeggings and skinny jeans- Everywhere you go these days, you can't turn around without seeing skinny jeans, leggings or jeggings.  However, as I discovered recently, nothing will kill your ego faster than jumping up and down in a dressing room and sweating profusely while trying to get on a pair of jeggings  Even worse?  Not knowing what jeggings were until said trip.

Turning heads...of 50 year old men- Gone are the days of whistling construction workers.  Even the weird guys in the car next to you take one look at the car seat and quickly look away. Walking into the bar for happy hour with your boyfriend cut jeans and your ballet flats just doesn't get you the same attention your backless shirts used to garner.  Let's face it, someone checking you out that may or may not be your dad's friend isn't really the boost you are looking for.

There is a lot that goes along with being older, wiser and especially having the experience of being a mom.  Even though the Wonder Bra turns into "It's a wonder that I can get my boobs this high after breast feeding" bra and the Miracle Bra turns into the "It will be a miracle for my husband if he sees this in the next three weeks" bra. 

In the end watching our little ones grow into their own is worth the size 4 jeans gathering dust in your closet.
Like Jack Handy says..."If you drop your keys into molten lava, you have to let them go, cuz man....they're gone".

Before and After...

Parenting is defined in the before and after.  How your life was before you had kids and how your life changed after you had them.  What is most amusing on how views change in the after and what you swore you would never do in the before.  Here are some before and after musings....

Before- You are in Target, you hear a child screaming.  You are immediately annoyed as your eyes start searching the store for the red faced little offender. You shake your head in disgust and wonder what is wrong with the parents that "let" their kids act like that in a store. That will NEVER be you.

After- You are in Target, it is your child screaming and writhing on the ground in a record book tantrum over a toy that they HAVE to have.  They deserve it, because clearly they are SO well behaved.  You are desperately trying to keep your face impassive because you know that you are being watched more carefully than the President by the Secret Service.  You calmly but firmly let little Timmy know that you are leaving the store right NOW.  Waiting only until you are in the safety of your car to either dissolve in tears or yell at Timmy.

Before- You have done the research, poured over every childhood development book in the world and you are positive that your darling little angel will NOT be watching television, eating sugar, and of course will never talk back to you because they will know better.

After- Fast forward to year two or so.  You did it, you stuck to your guns.  Little Angel has not watched TV, had any sugar cereal and well, tantrums have been to a minimum. All of a sudden, almost overnight...something changes. You spend every evening after work or all day chasing this crazed demon child.  Their head begins spinning around and you are waiting for the pea soup vomit and the Latin. Your furniture has disappeared under 4 weeks of laundry.  All of a sudden Yo Gabba Gabba and bribe candy starts looking reallllly good.

Before- You are near the end of pregnancy, dreaming of the maternity leave and all of the amazing things you are going to accomplish.  You are going to scrapbook every moment of Junior's life, you are going to learn how to cook exotic meals for your man and you are finally going to clean out all of those closets you have been meaning to get to for the last 4 years.

After- Junior is here and he is beautiful!  You know this because you are blankly staring at his face is a daze for 24 hours a day.  Waiting....watching....gazing. Will he wake up right now?  Will he be hungry?  Will he need his diaper changed? Exotic meals consist of take out and whatever your friends will bring over.  Your sleep deprived mind can't get around to organzing a drawer, let alone a closet.  Finally, as maternity leave wraps up, you realize you should probably get out of your jammies. But on the plus side, you have gotten enough Oprah in to last a full year.

Throughout this blog, there will be a lot of tongue in cheek parenting commentary. Know that I love being a mommy more than I ever thought possible. But  it isn't always a walk in the park, although it is often a trip to the park riddled with "Mommy watch me" uttered no less than 900 times.

Welcome to the funhouse!

In my attempt to maintain sanity and to hopefully relate to other mommies out there, I am creating an outlet. This will not be a personal blog about my kid or my family although I'm sure some of my craziness will spill over because of those things....

This is a place to dispel some of the myths of parenting, to debunk the idea of perfection and to say it's o.k to suck at stuff sometimes. So I hope you enjoy reading as much as I will enjoy writing it.