An Open Letter To Me

I don't know if anyone noticed lately but there are a lot of open letters to.....Miley Cyrus, teenage girls, etc etc. They are really thinly veiled attempts to tell you what to do and how to parent, live your life etc.  So because I don't really want to tell anyone else what to do I am going to write an open letter to myself:

Dear Me-

I wanted to write to you because I have been concerned. You seem like maybe you are a bit overwhelmed lately and could use some advice...from yourself.

Quit volunteering for crap- No seriously. Stop it. I don't mean the crap that is making your heart full and happy like working with college students in foster care. I mean the other crap...throwing parties at random times and always being the party mom in your daughter's class when you are starting a new job. It's ok to say no. Someone else will plan the damn class party and if it's not as fun as yours, oh well! I know you are going to agree this is good advice and turn around and do the end of the year party but hey, I tried. 

Stop texting and plan to see people IN PERSON- This is a tough one I know. Texting is so quick and easy but they are not real interactions. Send a quick text to arrange a drink, yoga class or a hike with a friend. I promise it will be so much more rewarding than your fingers flying over your phone. Speaking of phone....

PUT THE PHONE DOWN- Your goal this year was to be more present, to really BE there with your kid and husband and people you are with.  Facebook is not going to change every two minutes and even if it does, who cares? What is important is sitting right in front of you, even if it's a RHOBH episode. Seriously, Carlton and Kyle are fighting again and you are missing it!

Don't be hard on yourself if you overpost on social media- Let's face it, you have been an open book since you were young. You were the senior in high school that wrote a center page article for the WHOLE school to read about your father abondoning you as a child for a two page spread on deadbeat dads. Social media was pretty much invented for you. That said, don't bother posting political or religious stuff b/c apparently not everyone agrees with you.

Don't use technology when you are emotional- Fighting with the husband, upset about work, having a rough day with the kid? Journal, work out, meditate. Do not pick up the phone and start texting your best friends about your awful life because it is the furthest thing from awful. You are a lucky bitch with a husband that adores you and you adore back and a kid that can make you nuts but makes you happier than anything else in the world. So suck it up!  If you really need a break then follow my earlier advice and schedule time with people. 

JUST BE- This is supposed to be your philosophy for life going forward, so start living it now. Be happy, be grateful, be gracious, be loving, be healthy, be strong, be humble, be effective, be honest and most of all BE PRESENT. 

I think this about sums up what I think you should know. I know life can seem tough with constant job changes, traveling spouse, foster care prep and a "spirited kid" but at the end of the day, you got this.  Instead of looking at Vanderpump Rules Instagram, write down every day 3 things you are grateful for, keep journaling to Elena and spend time with people you love.

Love, 

Me

 

Oh and PS.....throw away the Girl Scout cookies!! Why do young children want me to be fat? Can they please start selling carrots??

You're not the boss of me

O.k so maybe a year apart in posts makes it a little hard to say that I "have a blog" but oh well! Half- assed writers get busy especially once their "real" job gets in the way. Grown up problems.

So let's see....we left off at me cherishing all of the great things that come along with parenting. Welllll this post may be a bit different. Don't get me wrong, still love my kid with all of my heart but let's just say this train has hit some rough tracks.

With the bumps tend to come ALLLL kinds of advice. And I admit, I am an open book and I have an illness called extreme emotional vomiting. I just need to get it ALL out and vent and cry. When I am struggling, I talk and talk and talk or lately text and text and text. I am assuming those listening are doing so without judgement. However, I have learned the hard way, that's not really how life works. Sometimes people want to help and sometimes they want to judge. With judgement brings a sense of authority...

 I do not love authority or being told what to do. I am literally a child trapped in an adult body when it comes to having someone "be the boss of me".  I am defiant and stubborn and want to do things my way....um starting to realize where my kid gets it. These traits typically get me into hot water in a few situations.

1. Getting pulled over- I am a total jerk to cops. I get insolent and mouthy, it's like I am begging for a ticket or perhaps to go to jail.  Add it to the list of things to work on because I know they are just doing their job and let's face it, I was speeding. And really there are easier ways to get time off work without having to go to tent city.

2. Being micromanaged at work- It takes every ounce of me not to be snippy and tell them what's up. This is only in situations when I am managed badly. I will always respect a good manager and love their mentoring.  However, good managers in recruiting are more rare than a candidate that wants less money with crappier benefits. Thankfully I have managed to control this a bit more as I advance in my career. If not, I'm pretty sure I would be working at the dollar store right now.  "Is this all really a dollar"? would replace "Hey can you help my friend, cousin, aunt, neighbor get a job"?

3. Parenting direction or criticism- This one kills me BUT only when I don't ask for it. If I am reaching out saying, "help me, what would you do" offer it up baby! But when it's given through no request by me, I don't want to hear it. Either because I know you can't relate to my particularly intense child or you haven't been there yet. I can appreciate people wanting to help but when my child is in full meltdown hysterics and I know it's much deeper than the stuffed unicorn, I don't need "wow, have you tried time outs?" Give me a parent that loves unsolicited advice and I will show you a real life unicorn.

So I have some things to work on but meanwhile we are working on getting this train back on track with the help of  professionals. I know in my heart that our struggles now will not be our struggles in 10 years. And yes, I know that 15 will not be pretty. Again, authority issues... so you can imagine how I was as a teenager.

As my amazing friend K says "I'm not that worried if he is kind of a jerk at 4, I just want to make sure he is not an asshole at 18". And that my friends is the best kind of parenting advice ever.

Mommy Confessions

So I recently read one of the many books out there that talk about the misery of motherhood. I admit that I have read a few of these in hopes of laughing along with the clever mommy banter.  I have found  that once you read one "confessional" about the drudgery of motherhood, you have read them all.

 I recently read "Scary Mommy" when it promised hilarious recounts of being a mom and deep confessions from other mothers around the country.  Once again, I was disappointed to see the same complaints and boring secrets. Only one truly made me LOL or laugh out loud as old people call it.

"I love my teenage daughter but everyday when she leaves for school after rolling her eyes at me, I flip her off once she shuts the door...with both hands." That truly cracked me up because I KNOW I was that teenager and I KNOW I will have one just like it!

My friend and neighbor recently posted on FB about this very thing and people complaining about motherhood and how she couldn't understand it. And this is a full-time working mom that just had her third baby with her oldest just turning five AND she cooks...ALL the TIME! It really made me pause and realize that I am definitely guilty of whining about the tasks that come along with being a mom.

It's a different kind of gossip with other mommy friends. There are times where I find myself trying to out-do other moms with how terrible my kid can be. It's like I have forgotten the years we spent working to have her, the treatments, the doctors, the disappointment.  Don't get me wrong, there are still moments, DAYS where it can feel like a chore but I realized that more than anything, it is a gift that I need to revel in.

So I wanted to share my mommy confessions. Not the ones I tend to joke about with mommy friends, but the ones that I know they share with me...the positive ones.

1. There is no one that I would rather spend time with than my kid. I would (and do) pass up opportunities for movies, nights out and drinks to spend time on the ground playing Barbies or watching Disney.  Besides, red wine goes great with Red Vines and "Beauty and the Beast".

2. Being a mother is the best job I have ever had. Yes, calling it a job contradicts what I am really saying but I do feel like raising a person to be a positive contributing member of society is a job. While I really like recruiting, I LOVE being a mom. My kid would totally be hired all over again.

3. I like being in bed early and don't miss going out at ALL.  Yes, part of that comes from being a total homebody that hates to straighten my hair but a lot of it is motherhood. Hangovers and exhaustion do not go well with loud little voices.

4. There are times that I wish we had a house full of children....and then I sober up. All kidding aside, I am beyond excited to add to our family through adoption and know this is what we were meant to do. But I definitely think two at home, three total is our limit.

5. Being a parent is tough on a marriage but makes it stronger at the same time. Getting on the same parenting page is not always easy, especially when you are almost reading a different book. But in the end...divorced, married whatever, you have a common goal and that is a bond that is forever binding.

6. Motherhood does not require perfection. This is definitely a lesson I am working on.  I am not a type A and perfection is not usually my thing in life but for some reason, I second guess every decision I make and worry constantly that I am doing the right thing.  I am learning, in time, that we do the best we can and in the end, it will work out. As long as my daughter stays away from high plastic heels and her name is never announced on "the center stage", we have done our job.

So there are my deep dark confessions.  O.k so they weren't dark or all that funny but I'm sure when I'm having a less reflective day, I will post the dark side. :)

Chocolate covered crack aka Facebook

This is what happens when you quit FB cold turkey, you begin blogging like a madwoman. :)  Just ask my friend K.  We are staying strong though!

I told my co-workers today that I am two days clean but unfortunately I already fell off the wagon for a few minutes tonight.  I wanted to tell my sister, publicly, how proud I am of her for getting into the teaching program at ASU.  I told her on the phone earlier so why the public announcement?  I wanted everyone to know how excited I am and renting a plane and skywriting to advertise it would have been pretty costly.

I was emailing with K today telling her that I simply post status updates in my head now and she said I should write them all down which may be a good idea.  So to copy her, here is what some of my updates would have said the last 3 days:

My mother in law did great in her surgery today to remove the cancer. She is expected to make a complete recovery and we couldn't be happier.

I love my co-workers, they make working in the movie Office Space totally doable.

Orientation next Tuesday for the foster/adoption process, nervous but excited!

Starting a monthly girl's night out to connect with the cool women in my life, yay!

Wow, I already feel better just doing that.

And of course I would have posted a million pics of my baby girl because that is really why I lived on that damn thing.  So instead I will post pics and links of her here or on my other blog. Why do I have two?  I thought I was trying to simplify...hmm.. Not sure how to combine a "family" type blog with my crazy working mom ranting so for now I may keep the two.  I also have a written journal that I use to write to E so she can read it when she decides at 16 that she hates my guts.

So thank you to the readers (ok all 3 of you) that read my craziness.  I miss my FB friends but am happy to be writing and really reaching out again. However, if I start convulsing or shaking, I will need someone to log me in...stat.

Goals...not resolutions and chocolate rehab

Ahhh the new year is here and of course comes the resolutions.  I am trying not to call them that so I actually stick with them for once. So the list of my GOALS....

1. Quit Facebook- well, take an extended break, or maybe a little break.  You can see how well this one is going to go already. Why quit? With the new year I am making an effort to not only make better use of my time but to be more "present". And let's face it, you can be sitting there with your kid holding a Barbie but if your phone is in the other hand while you look at status updates, then you're not really there. And honestly, it's a chance to really connect with the friends in my life instead of stalking them online. :)

2. Get my ass in shape- I am not reallllly counting this one because I already started this mission a few weeks ago by starting to train for a 10k that we are running on 1/28.  It's a retro 10k so I am looking forward to rocking the side ponytail and sweatbands.  Part of this mission though is to stop eating like crap and that means cutting out all of the SUGAR. Chocolate is my crack so unless someone invents a chocolate rehab or stages a Ghiredelli intervention then that one may fly out the window pretty quickly as well.

3. Learn to live in the NOW- this goes along with the FB goal but I am a person that obsesses about the future and needs to have solid plans.  Adopting from foster care  is one of the biggest unknowns that I can think of so I have decided that it is imperative to take it one step at a time and not overthink every little thing. Not to mention that it drives my husband crazy b/c when I overthink, I talk it to DEATH.  So I guess this goal is also to not drive him to drink....well, drink more.

4. Be the change- Yep, it's a bumper sticker.  In fact, it's now the bumper magnet that is proudly placed on the back of my car.  I am officially one of those people, someone that advertises their hobbies, passions, beliefs on the trunk of their car....sigh.  Anyhoo, I have always believed in the power of helping others.  Sometimes I am great about volunteering and sometimes, not so much. I know I need to cut myself a break being a working mom.  But part of a new year is assessing what is important. I have a least a few hours a month to dedicate to others. And while it may be time away from bug, it will be a teaching opportunity and hopefully something we will do together soon. 

I think that is it for now, I'm sure there are a few more in there but I am already in danger of failing two of the four so I figure I need to keep it short.  So if you find that I am blogging status updates, please just know that it is part of my recovery and that I'm working the steps.

Oh and side note: I have gotten back into reading which is one of my first LOVES and I am reading a great book about women dumbing themselves down.  So check it out if you get the chance.

http://www.amazon.com/Think-Straight-Women-Smart-Dumbed-Down/dp/1593156596/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325564389&sr=8-1

Life in the Big City

"Well that's life in the big city"......those of you around my age will perhaps remember this oh so clever saying.  This flippant quip was typically stated by your mom while you were longingly gazing at the pair of Guess jeans you knew she couldn't afford.  This is also the generation that said good looking people were "foxes" so perhaps we should disregard most of the lingo...

Life in the big city has taken on a new meaning now that I am a grown up and have kids of my own. With a lot of career turmoil in the last year or so, I have had to remind myself that sometimes it's just "life in the big city" and keep on truckin, keep calm and carry on and all those other bumper stickers or quotes on pinterest.

Deciding to return to an office was a tough decision for this mommy. I have had to ditch my comfy yoga pants and don my, sadly ill-fitting, fancy pants. And while I never thought I  would enjoy being back at an 8-5 WITH a long commute, I have been pleasantly surprised.

With any new change are some ups and downs....such is the roller coaster of working parenthood. 

UP- Being around people again! It's nice to have co-workers that don't just wag their tail and pant when you ask them a question.  It's so much more helpful!

DOWN- Having to be ON TIME five days a week.  How do people with multiple children do this?? I am guessing by waking up at 3am or being extremelllllllllly organized. To those that have accomplished this, I bow to you.

UP- Working for the man has it's perks....free bus pass, football tickets, lunches etc. Unfortunately the free food has also contributed to the ill-fitting fancy pants...ugh. Although the free gym will hopefully help that!

DOWN-  Picking up a screaming pre-schooler who refuses to get dressed and threatening to take her to school in her PJ's to be embarrassed by her classmates. Said child finally and reluctantly gets dressed in her regular clothes only to arrive at school to see it is...wait for it....freaking pajama day.

UP- Only having to struggle with a pint sized Mariah Carey diva like 4 year old when the husband is out of town because I can't be bothered with things like hair brushing and breakfast now that I work IN the city and have a BUS to catch.

DOWN- Giving up the school drop off and picking up and not being able to uphold my Joan of Arc martyrdom status as Supermom. With a husband that cooks and cleans it was kind of all I had left to play....damn.

So it's been a bit of a struggle to adjust, for me, my baby girl, husband and my flat iron but we're going to be fine. Anytime I start to feel stressed, the hubs begins belting out "She Works Hard For The Money" by Donna Summer and I am immediately laughing....in between gulps of wine. 

But at the end of the day, working 40 hours in an office beats 60 plus at home any day.  It's very important to fit in as many hours of Barbie and costume changes as possible....after all, I am Supermom. :)

"Why are you hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself?"

I'm sure everyone remembers the "fun" game you used to play with your older sibling or in my case....a 42 year old husband.  The victim sits innocently watching TV or reading when the crazy jokester comes over to take your hand and while smacking you on YOUR head/face with it, taunts you with "Why do you keep hitting yourself, why do you keep hitting yourself"?

It occurred to me today that being a mom is a lot like that super inventive game most likely invented by older brothers. Think about every time you criticize yourself, don't give yourself enough credit and berate yourself over small crap.  You are literally smacking yourself around.  The only thing probably lacking in this daily routine is the maniacal laughing from the hitting yourself opponent.

I have a few examples that I think some may relate to......

"I can't believe I have gained "X" amount of pounds over the last few months, they may as well just slap Hess on my ass and have me haul stuff across country"- SMACK!
      Because going to the gym everyday, working and raising a family is SOOOOO feasible. So you work those drawstring Old Navy shorts sister!

"My kid is going to grow up and resent all of the time I spent working and advancing my career"- WHACK!!
      Right, and I'm sure your kid will totally resent the fact that he didn't get to go to school naked or starve to death when that job bought him stupid crap like food and clothes.

"I suck at everything, I am not doing a good enough job at being a mom or at work"- BAM!
      Child Protective Services will not knock on your door for letting your kid watch one more freaking cartoon.  And the great thing about work (unlike some guys from your single days) it will always be there in the morning.

" I can't remember the last time I wore something sexy or cute for my man"- POW!!
      O.k seriously.....after a 10 hour workday, dinner and putting the kids down he's lucky that you pretend to stay awake.

So ladies, let's stop the silly "keep hitting yourself" game and leave that to your husband that doesn't realize it stopped being funny years ago.